Have you ever noticed that you treat other people with a lot more compassion than you do yourself? When someone we care about is suffering, our instinct is to comfort them. However in contrast, many of us are unnecessarily hard on ourselves instead of showing ourselves that same kindness.
Women, in particular, may be less likely to show self-compassion. Read on to find out why, and how you can develop a habit of being more self-compassionate and how you’ll benefit.
What is self-compassion and why does it matter?
A growing body of research shows evidence of positive benefits of self-compassion. According to Kristin Neff, one of the world’s leading researchers on the topic, self-compassion has three components:
Being kind to yourself instead of judging yourself
Seeing your suffering as part of the human experience rather than as abnormal
Being mindful of the difficulties in your life rather than avoiding or dwelling on them
Self-compassion is a powerful tool for improving your well-being. Here are four potential benefits of practising it:
Self-compassion helps you cope better with unpleasant situations
Research shows that self-compassion moderates people’s reactions to negative events, which increases resilience in the face of difficulty. More self-compassionate people are less likely to suffer from depression, anxiety, stress, shame, and perfectionism.
Self-compassion helps you accept that suffering is normal
When you go through hardship, you may wonder why this is happening to you. You may blame yourself or feel like you did something to deserve it.
Self-compassion allows you to see that you’re not alone, suffering is a normal part of being human and no one has a perfect life.People who have higher self-compassion engage in healthier behaviours
Self-compassion may help self-regulation of health-promoting behaviours by allowing people to assess their health goals from a place of kindness and patience rather than critical self-judgment.
They tend to seek help when needed, and follow treatment recommendations. Higher self-compassion is linked with healthier body image and reduced eating disorders.
Having more compassion for yourself allows you to give more compassion to others
Studies of those in caregiver or helper roles (nurses, therapists, and teachers, for example) show that higher self-compassion is associated with less fatigue and burnout. In other words, when we have compassion for ourselves, we are also better able to maintain compassion for others.
Self-compassion is directly linked with other positive psychological traits
Not only does self-compassion reduce negative psychological issues like anxiety and stress, it also is linked to improved positive traits. Studies show those who practise self-compassion are more likely to display optimism, happiness, and higher motivation.
Are women more likely to be less compassionate to themselves?
The research on gender differences in self-compassion is mixed, but several studies indicate that women are more likely than men to lack self-compassion, be self-critical, and use negative self-talk.
One explanation may be that societal expectations of women often include self-sacrifice and putting the needs of others above oneself. Ability to exercise self-compassion likely varies with cultural expectations and other factors, but there is no denying the benefits to well-being of practising self-compassion.
3 Ways to Practise Self-Compassion
Pay attention to your self-talk…and consciously work to make it kinder
We can be our own worst critics. Take the time to pay attention to your self-talk. What kinds of things are you saying to yourself? Are you judging yourself too harshly? Actively work to turn those harsh words into words of kindness.
For example, when you don’t accomplish what you were hoping to in a day, your negative self-talk may say “Of course you didn’t get it done, you’re too lazy and inefficient. Why can’t you be as productive as other people?”.
Now consciously change this into something warmer and more supportive like “Sometimes things don’t go as planned. It’s ok, set a realistic deadline and try again tomorrow.” Then, be aware of how you feel after speaking to yourself more compassionately. Is there relief? Gratitude?
By regularly catching yourself in a moment of negative self-talk and redirecting to a kinder approach, you can train yourself to be more self-compassionate.
Imagine the way you would treat someone you care about in the same situation
Ask yourself, “how would I treat a friend or other loved one who was going through the same difficulty as me?”. Consider what kinds of things you would say to them, your body language, and your tone of voice.
You may realise you have an easier time being gentle and supportive with someone else. Once you imagine how you would react to another person’s suffering, apply it to the way you treat yourself.
Practise mindfulness and meditation
Self-compassion involves being aware of your suffering – but not getting lost in it! Practising mindfulness offers many benefits. It may be uncomfortable, but can help you accept that life’s ups and downs are a normal part of the human experience and remind you that it will pass.
Try these methods to treat yourself with the same warmth, care, and concern that you show to others. I’m sure you’ll be happy you did.
What challenges do you face with exercising self-compassion? Let me know in Beyond the Sticky Blue Mat, where you will also find many helpful practices and tips for improving your well-being.
Join us on 26-28 June for the TAME YOUR MONKEY MIND FREE 3-Part Online Training to learn deeper into your practice of meditation and learn a simple, quick method to calm and focus your busy mind. Read more here.
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